


The Strength of Love and Pain

by CooperNox (CooperMox)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-26 05:45:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3839287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CooperMox/pseuds/CooperNox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa breaks down after leaving Clarke at the Mountain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before the season two finale. So unfortunately, the second part doesn't follow canon. :p

She stormed into her tent, barking a last order to her warriors to start disassembling the war camp. The following commotion outside was the soothing babbling of a creek compared to the storm that raged inside her. The fog of war and being surrounded by her people during the retreat had been just enough for her to push her thoughts aside and keep her Commander's composure, but that was gone, and she was alone and unable to stop it from crashing down on her now.   
Lexa paced her tent, unclamping her cloak and armor as she did to keep herself from throwing the chests and ornaments around the room. The garments were carelessly thrown to the ground and she could not stop herself from slamming a fist on the table as she came to a halt with a growling sigh.   
"Clarke,"   
The girl's name came out in an unbidden whisper as the commander collapsed into a chair, truly defeated.   
_I will never be able to mend this. I have lost her, I abandoned her, and she will never forgive me. I should have gone back, I should go back now, I could try to fix this. No. No, I made her my people, and then I abandoned her for my people, she will never forgive that._  
The tent flap snapped open and one of her officers ducked his head in. Lexa was startled and immediately tried to cover her jump by straightening herself and smoothing her hands across the table and it's maps and papers. _Clarke's map._   
"Heda?" The grounder was taken aback seeing the commander in such a state, and her surroundings, usually so meticulously placed, scattered and strewn about.   
"Yes, what?" She snapped.   
"Where do we march for Commander?"   
_Back. Back to the great mountain. Back to the sky people, back to Clarke,_ Her heart wanted to tell him.  
"We march for Polis." She shook her head and waved him off. Her mind won out she thought briefly until she realized her reasons for going to the Capitol were feelings, not reason.   
_I can't face her after this. If she tries to take the mountain alone she'll be killed. I could not be witness to her pyre. If she lives, she'll try to come find me. I can't face her after what I've done. I need to be gone before either outcome. _  
She slumped again, resting her elbows on the table and her face in her hands, covering her eyes with her palms, hoping the pressure would distract her mind.  
 _Polis may not be far enough away to run from this._  
She stayed like this for some time, reliving the battle, Emerson's deal and it's aftermath. Clarke's face, the pain that showed in her eyes, her beautiful sky eyes, eyes that will never look at her like they had only hours before. Eyes that she may never see again.   
When she lifted her own eyes from her hands she found her palms slick with blood and war paint that had dried long before they had reached camp.   
She stood abruptly and flung her chair back, throwing it to the ground.   
"Weakness" she muttered as she found a small basin and began to scrub her face clean.__


	2. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa makes a choice with her heart

_Love is weakness. love is weakness, love is weakness, love is weakness._  
She repeated to herself over and over again as she busied herself with packing her belongings and changing into traveling gear.  
 _But Clarke loved Finn and was strong because of it. She spared him because she loved him. She loves her people and it makes her strong, to fight for them. Have I been wrong?_  
She found herself smoothing out Clarkes drawing of the mountain and it’s layout over and over, unable to focus on the task at hand.   
_I was wrong._  
The moment it clicked in her mind she whirled around and out of her tent, long traveling coat swirling behind her.   
“Lincoln!” she called, looking for the warrior among the crowd of busy grounders preparing for the long march ahead.  
“Heda?”   
The voice was not Lincoln, but Indra, who had noticed her commander’s shaken expression and frantic tone. Lexa turned to face her general, eyes still searching for Lincoln.  
“Indra. Where is your second? Where is Octavia?” Noticing the sky girl’s absence only worried her more. The sky people were their people now, and now, yet another was missing.  
“She stayed in the mountain. For her brother. She is no longer one of us, nor my second.” Indra replied with steel in her voice, though Lexa notices a flash of sadness cross the older woman’s face with her last sentence.  
“They are all our people.” the commander met Indra’s eyes with a fiery glare. “We were wrong.” She paused and dropped her gaze to her feet, ashamed of the truth that she had to share now. “I was wrong.”  
Before the other woman could formulate a response Lexa turned again in search of the former Reaper. She spotted him at the cliff overlooking the battlefield where her army had amassed just hours before, and ran to him.  
“Lincoln!” what she had meant to sound like a command came out with a tone of almost desperate relief.  
“Heda?” Lincoln looked at her but would not meet her eye, his voice was tight and every muscle strained as if he was holding himself back from leaping off the cliff, or punching his commander in the nose.   
_He hates me. He knew it was wrong from the moment he heard, I forced him to leave and he hates me for it. Just like Clarke. He’s right. I deserve his hate, I deserve Clarke’s hate. I was a fool. I was weak._  
“Lincoln,” she lowered her voice and dropped her commander’s tone, using a voice that was truly her own, one that few ever heard, the voice of a girl too young for her power and too proud to ask for help.  
“Ai gaf yu in. Hon Clarke op en sis em au. Kaup raun em, nou teik wan em op.” She spoke quietly in trigedasleng, looking at her hands, her Commander’s spirit ashamed of what she was asking, ashamed of her weakness.  
“Beja, Lincoln.” she added after a moment of his silence. She looked up at him now and held his eyes, pleading with her own that threatened to brim over with tears once again. 

After what seemed to Lexa an eternity, Lincoln nodded his consent, his darkened eyes telling her that he understood her and he too felt this pain.  
He turned to leave her, but stopped, placing a hand on her shoulder.   
_Any other time, I would cut that hand off…_ but she relaxed her shoulders and placed one of her own hands over his, nodding to accept his comfort and forgiveness. And then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly enough, I was at least partially right about Lincoln getting sent back to help. :)  
>  trigedasleng roughly translates to "I need you, find Clarke and help her. Stay near her (keep her safe), don't let her die, Please Lincoln"


End file.
